Richard Morgan, prolific writer of SCI FI and FANTASY has rocked the world of vidya games by criticising the stories of every vidya game ever made.
Richard Morgan, yesterday. Not talking about FRUT
‘Bubble Bobble is a shit game because it doesn’t have a space ship in it, or a dystopian future vision.’ sneered Morgan while he wanked off over the directors cut of Blade Runner.
‘The characters don’t develop, there’s no story arc and at no time do they rip off the plot of a popular fantasy novel. It would have been immeasurably better if it was about a guy, right, who was running around a futuristic city that looked a bit like Port Talbot at night. Maybe with a twist at the end, like, I don’t know, he’s a REPLICANT!’
Morgan has been drafted in as lead writer for the forthcoming game Crysis 2. It should be noted that Crysis 2 has no frut in it. Crysis 2 is a game about spending your parents money on a really new PC; then seeing how many frames it drops while you shoot a barrel.
‘Games aren’t about having fun with a loose premise, they’re about making people read a story I’ve completely made up on my own and not copied off anywhere or nothing; that’s the only way people can know how fucking clever I am’ burped Morgan over a bottle of Panda Pops cherryade, completely missing the point.
Sony Computer Entertainment today released into the wild their new advertising campaign poster – and it’s a FRUITY SHOCKER!
Once again forgetting to highlight the actual games available on the PS3 (Talladega Nights and Super Rubber Duck) – they instead decide to target the hearts, and ANUSES, of the console buying public with this fruity little number…
Gamers and fruit fans the world over are left with a slightly bitter taste in their mouths, and once again SCEE announces loudly to the world that the success of the PS2 was a complete and utter fluke, and they’re now drowning in a sea of their own misplaced confidence and cocaine fueled arrogance.
That’s right, FRUITFANS! There’s new Fruity content up on Xbox Live Fruit Marketplace! And here at Fruitaku we’ve got the SCOOP on the new content!
So what can it be, we hear you asking yourself? Is it a new and original Fruit? NO! It’s a MOULDY OLD ORANGE!
Prolific growers of fruit ‘Stainless Farms’ have found a shitty, rancid, furry old orange that no-one wanted to eat anyway and are selling it to you at a BARGAIN TASTIC 400 MS Points… but you don’t just get a spore-laden, half decomposed peice of fruit you’d forgotten existed! Oh no! For indeed, MOULDY OLD ORANGE comes packaged with new EXTREME ‘EVOLVED’ mode…
Be sure to get yourself down to Xbox Live Fruit Marketplace and get MOULDY OLD ORANGE today!
From our Japan correspondent; Brian Wankshaft
Hey sexually repressed Fruit Fans! It’s your man in Japan here, Brian Wankshaft. I’m a videogame journalist, I am! Oh yeah, you fucking bet! I like Videogames, Fruit… and THINGS RELATED TO THE SEX!!!!!!!!!!
Today, the hot news straight out of Akihabara is that the bananas in Super Monkey Ball look a bit like PENISES!!!!
Oh yeah! You betcha god-damn-ASS! Look at that, its so rude! SO RUDE! I don’t know what’s harder to believe: the fact that I’m actually married with a child or the fact that the bananas in Super Monkey Ball are vaguely PHALLUS SHAPED!
Oh yeah, it’s all KICKING OFF here in JAPAN! There’s Melons in Yoshi’s Story that look like JUBBLIES! I SHIT YOU NOT! And, right, get this… there’s games about TOUCHING UNRIPENED CHERRIES TO SEE IF THEY ARE A WITCH!
Fuck me, readers! I’m living in a SEEDY SEX PIT OF FRUITY FUN!
More hilarious and salient observations on slightly rude things that make your legitimate hobby look like an embarrassing teenage wankfest next time!
Shares in both Harmonix and fruit are up today as the publisher announces record sales of their fruity simulator ‘Fruit Bowl’.
Since its North American release last October, ‘Fruit Bowl’ has seen sales top the 1 million units mark as desire to have your own non-edible interactive fruit bowl reaches fever pitch.
Available for Xbox 360 and PS3 with a Wii version in development, Fruit Bowl allows players to see what it’s like to have your very own bowl of fruit.
For a very reasonable $199 (including 3 bananas, 5 apples and 4 oranges), Fruit Bowl comes with everything you need to have an arrangement of fruit in a bowl which you can tell everyone how cool it is, then play once when you’re drunk then never again. And can’t actually eat.
At a recent event to publicise the continuing line of Touch Generations software, Satoru Iwata revealed a new title in development for Nintendo DS which has already got chins wagging: Ray Mears Fruit Training.
Iwata, standing hand in hand with TV’s favourite survivalist and indiscriminate fruit eater Ray Mears, proclaimed:
2008 will be the year that Nintendo, along with Ray Mears, teach everyone all about fruits and that.
Ray Mears was also keen to add to the hype, despite this being his first foray into the world of Videogames. He told the thousand strong mass of journalists and fruit fans alike:
My fruit training game could save lives. Last week, I hadn’t had anything to eat for literally 20 minutes. Luckily through training my brain to be good at seeing fruit, I was able to not only identify, but eat a mango that was underneath a chair; and a crisis was averted.
Ray Mears Fruit Training should be in the shops for harvest festival.