5 A DAY VIDEO! – SO FRUITY IT HURTS

It’s nearly here! It’s nearly here!
FUCK ME UPSIDE THE ARSE WITH A RAMBUTAN, 5 A DAY IS NEARLY HERE!

Here’s the latest video released by Llamasoft and we can confirm, it’s everything we at Fruitaku INSIST on in a game:

5 a Day will be up on the AppStore next week we hear… and we’ll be the FIRST with a FRUITY REVIEW!!!

Sweet jesus though, look at those FRUITS and NUMBERS FLYING UP and WHW {“(HS{Q1 wefwefvb ds|FC

PAC ‘N JUMP FRUT PACLAND (fruits) Re. FRUTZ

FUCK there’s a PACLAND level in Namco’s iOS game PAC ‘N JUMP!!!!  We love Pac Land.

Pac ‘N Jump on iOS might be ‘Just Another Doodle Jump’ clone to the uninitiated…

… but it’s GOT FRUITE IN IT YEAH?

We genuinely enjoy a quick game of Pac ‘N Jump.  HEre’s where we play it…

(1) at the job centre while waiting to be called

(2) at home in bed when we can’t sleep because we’re too excited about LLAMASOFT’S UPCOMING FRUIT ‘EM UP

(3) in John Lewis in the sofa section when we’re pretending we’re rich and looking for nice sofas to sit on

(4) when we’re sat on the toilet crying wondering where our career went wrong.

FREEEEWWWWWWWTTTZZZZ etc

New Kirby game for Wii – THAR BE FRUTZ (NOT Journey)

While the world and his wife are playing Journey on the PS3 … WE’RE PLAYING A NEW KIRBY GAME BECAUSE IT HAS A FRUITS IN IT!!!!

There’s little other reason to play it though – hackneyed early nineties standard level design never really floats anyone’s boat – especially unforgivable following the seminal Kirby’s Epic Yarn released last year.

But WHO GIVES A FUCKING DAMSON?! These are DELICIOUS looking fruits and no mistake, guvnor.  In fact, I’m going to make this a short post so I can get back to collecting these fruits.

So while you’re playing Journey and telling everyone what a tremendous and profound experience it is, ask yourself this…

Would it be better with FRUTZ?

The answer of course, is yes.

If for some reason you’re playing Journey instead, here’s a handy control guide for new players..

MINTER FRUIT ‘EM UP WATCH CREW

We at FRUITAKU have never, ever been so excited.

Its looking official that Llamasoft’s new game for iOS will

DEFINITELY BE A  FRUIT ‘EM UP!!!!!!!!!

We’ve not slept for 93 hours, endlessly watching the Llamasoft twitter page for news about what seems to be called ‘5-a-Day’.

All we know so far is that…

The giving of the banana bonus is almost ludicrously epic.

There have been cryptic allusions towards LINES of BANANAS and Minotaurs.  Like the Nostradamus of Del Monte, Mr. Minter explains…

The brothers tow their bananas on wiggling lines of force

GOOD HEAVENS AHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

les fruits

One Button FRUITS = Fall.

An alert (and probably involved in the development) Fruitaku reader pointed us recently to the direction of ‘Fall’ – a simplistic one button game from One Switch Gaming.

Fall – a Screenshot.  Contains FRUT.

WAIT? WHAT? YES!  It’s everyone’s favourite time:  BULLET POINT REVIEW TIME.

• YES! Contains FRUT.  Good fruit too, nicely rendered in few pixels.  Fine selection of the essentials too.  There’s all the crowd pleasers such as cherrys, bananas and PULMZ… none of the tat like SWEETS or you know, that sort of trot.
• ONE BUTTON!  You can play it with one finger, toe, other implement.  We’re super duper all for games with simplistic controls here at Fruitaku; especially games which can even be played by people who have something better to do with their other hand, or those who don’t have hands that work so good. 
• MAN WITH BIG NOSE! Yes!  The dude in it has a big nose
• IT’S NOT SHIT! We at Fruitaku enjoyed playing this game.
• TOP OFFICE GAMING ACTION! It’s short and fun and straight in to the action.  None of this tutorial muck.

http://www.gamebuilder.info/world/arcade/fall

If this game were a fruit, it would be a banana with no black bits on.  

Inclusive gaming + fruit = FRUITAKU APPROVES

Space Ark XBLA FRUT awful animal character

So, Strawdog Studios alerted us to their XBLA game ‘Space Ark’ recently on a comment to another ARTICLE on FRUITAKU.

And well they might do!  For their game SPACE ARK is “chockablock” with FRUT! It’s essentially a Breakout clone where you bounce an animal off your bat/trampoline.  You can control the animals a little in the air with one stick, and control the bat/trampoline with the other.  To play it evokes head patting / tummy rubbing ambidexterous thinking which makes the whole affair feel like twin-stick shooter Arkanoid with a fruit fixation. IN SPACE!

In fact, Space Ark has everything that should be in every great game:

Simple objective made slightly tricky by quirky control system?  CHECK!
Bonus multipliers for skilled players? CHECK!
FRUTS? CHECK!
Rainbows? CHECK!
Whimsy? CHECK!
Animals? CHECK!

BUT WAIT – SOMETHING IS WRONG!

Let’s have a look at some of the animals you’re bouncing about…

Oh blimey.

For some reason this otherwise fruity, sopisticated game with arcade puzzler sensibilies seems to be utterly STUNK UP TO FUCK by these horrific, diseased, ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE TO LIKE characters.

Look at his eyes, man.  Look at his face, what expression is that?  What is he doing, frowning at me with his mouth and seducing me with his eyes?!

And what on Earth is going on here?  Another super-deformed animal richly embued with the sort of disturbingly alien eastern european concept of “cute” that no one outside Yugoslavia can really dig.  You know when you used to watch the Moomins and it freaked you out?  This.

So, if you want to play a very well tuned action puzzler full to the brim with fruit and clever little gameplay hooks, snap up Space Ark immediately.

However, if you’ve done a lot of drugs in your past and find the above pictures horriffic (I haven’t even began to tell you how FUCKING DISTURBING the blinking animation cop out is) then leave this well alone.

8/10 if you don’t mind the terrible characters and animation
6/10 if you get disturbed by charmless character design easily

Coryoon – FRUT SHMUP!

Avid Fruitaku reader FIL alerted us to this super-fruity horizontal shmup on the PCE called Coryoon…

Serious amount of FRUT dropping here, our analysts have clocked the fruit per minute ratio as being on average 96 FPM. This is very high indeed! Let’s have a look where this stands on the Fruits Per Minute graph…

SCIENCE that is, fruit-fans!

GTA IV – Does not contain any fruit.

News just in at Fruitaku towers; the long awaited Grand Theft Auto IV does not contain any fruit what-so-ever.

A spokesman at Rockstar said

“Fuck, why the fuck would we put fruit in GTA IV? It’s a grey and brown game. Like Quake. Quake was grey and brown, and didn’t have any fruit at all. You know how much that shit sold? A fucktonne.”

Rockstar added:

“You know who’s going to buy GTA IV? Kids who don’t give a fuck about fruit. Let me tell you what kids like: they like guns, rain and cement. And willy-gags. You think we had enough room on that disk for fruit as well as guns, rain, cement and willy-gags? What the fuck are you, some kind of schmuck?”

Luckily, the radar on the bottom left of the screen looks like a fruit bowl. An admission of guilt? Only Rockstar know for sure…

GTA IV is released this month.